NO PLACE FOR ME

5th day of february 2010

a friday night.. i am at home.. i can't seem to make myself want to live in australia.. i know i am being impatient and i need to allow time to make a change but i cant

i dont belong here.. i thought i did but i'm not sure anymore.. the rules have changed. the people have changed.. the ones i used to be soo close too have become mere strangers to me.. classmates at best.. i expected too much and thus i am shattered

there's no place for me here .. i see the connections within the group that hav grown overtime.. i feel like a 3rd wheel in a group of many .. an unwanted guest who doesnt know when to leave.. i feel isolated

for a person who is afraid of change.. hu needs a sense of belonging to feel comfortable.. this has been one of the toughest two weeks of my life.. mentally.. on the outside i look happy but inside m depressed..

i want to feel the closeness they feel .. to find my place in a group so big.. i love indonesia becouse i had found my place.. where i didnt need to go walkin on my own at lunch to find a friend i know .. humiliating myself, or follow people around and look like a loser because i know no others.. i want to fit.. to contribute.. to feel cared for.. i want close friends

i want my former bestfriend to invite me too things like sleepovers and gossip girl marathons and say " come to the party it'll be fun" .. not " if u dont feel comfortable , dont go" .. it feels like a stab in the back. a signal saying " i dont want you here youre annoying" i wanted and expected her to care more.. to help me instead of being a bitch....

i feel lost and i need someone to pull me in

xoxo

nadia